Place These Cars in Heaven or Hell and We'll Guess Your Age

By: Zoe Samuel

6 Min Quiz

Image: Peathegee Inc/Blend Images/Getty Images

About This Quiz

Some cars are immortal. The SL Black AMG is one of those cars. It looks like an angel brought it from Heaven, but spend five minutes in the seats, and you realize it was designed by Lucifer's tuning company. Cars are deeply personal objects not just for the owners, but for the people who designed them in the first place. Still, being personal, they are matters of taste.

Saying which cars you love or hate puts you in a camp, and a lot can be inferred from that. These inferences range from your profession to your political party to your hometown. In the early 2000s, the RNC obtained lists of buyers from Mercury dealers because apparently 90% of Mercury buyers voted Republican, and that was a reliable mailing list.

What we plan to do with your automotive decisions is much more benign. We will pose a series of cars to you. Even if you aren't familiar with them, you will have an impression of them. We want you to give us your knee-jerk reaction to this question: does this car belong in Heaven or Hell? Your answers will provide us with the insights we need to guess your age accurately.

Will you throw the Dodge Dart, AKA the Alfa Romeo Giulietta made to look less pretty, into the pit?

No! It's cool!

Yes! How could Dodge marry a supermodel for her brains? The Giulietta was a poorly made good looking car, and the only change Dodge made was to how it looked! What the Hell!?
Yes, it's too small and too badly made to be any use.

No! It's cheap to run, and it's nice enough for the price.

Would you put the mighty Dodge Charger in Heaven or Hell?

Heaven! It's the working man's sport's sedan!

Hell! Big engines alone do not make a good car.
Hell. Where's the space? It's huge, but only has a trunk!

Heaven! It's cheap, it's fast, and it's big enough.

Does the strangely designed Lexus LFA, with its hood that looks like someone forgot to close it, belong by the right-hand drive of God, or parked next to the seventh pit?

Nothing so expensive should look so stupid.

It's the coolest thing.
Are you kidding? It's awful. You could buy 2 GTRs for the price?

To Hell! It's not exciting enough to cost so much.

Does the efficient and uninspiring Toyota Camry belong to Old Nick, or Saint Nick?

Old Nick. It sucks!

Old Nick. Where's the lux?
Saint Nick! It's reliable!

Saint Nick. MPG over BHP, baby!

Will the GMC Sierra conquer the terrain of the clouds?

Yeah... it's big, but it's cheap and it's badass.

Nope. It steers like a horse-drawn wagon.
Yes. It's boring, but it gets the job done.

No! To Hell with thee! It's too big and gets terrible mileage!

Would you send the Chrysler Pacifica, the world's greatest family minivan, to crash the gates of Heaven?

Hell. Minivan. Ugh.

Hell! Gag me with a spoon!
Heaven! It's the world's greatest minivan!

Heaven! You could literally move house with such a vehicle.

Is the economy Fiat 500 as heavenly as an aria, or as hellish as Roman traffic?

It's wonderful. It's small, cheap fun.

It's stupid. Want an Italian sports car? Get the Prancing Pony.
Not well built: everything bad about Chrysler and Italian manufacturing.

It's fine for a commuter.

Does the Brabus Rocket launch into the sky, or plummet into Hell?

Hell! It costs a fortune, it's loaded with unnecessary nonsense, and it breaks if you put your foot down.

Heaven! It's awesome! The pinnacle of power and prestige!
Hell! It's fast and comfy, but it has a glove box bigger than its trunk.

Heaven! Who wouldn't like to commute with 800 horsepower?

Is the Smart ForTwo for the angels or for the demons?

It's cool if you live in the city I guess...

Stupid. Live in a city? Hail a cab.
Ugh. Too small, too weak, too expensive.

For a runabout, it's perfect. Also, it's a rear wheel drive Mercedes! Who could ask for more? Buy the one from Brabus!

Does the Audi A6 Avant, AKA Audi's way of trying to make station wagons sound exciting, belong on the end of a pitchfork?

It's just too much cash, and too big.

It's fine if you're making the school run like a chump!
It's perfect. Comfortable. Powerful. Spacious. It also looks low key, which I like.

It's discreet and practical, but maybe a little too big.

Does the VW Passat deserve to be tortured for all eternity?

No! It's solid! And I can add a hood scoop!

Yes! Burn! Burn it!
No, it's perfectly safe.

Yeah, it's just a less useful Golf!

Is the Tesla Model X "SUV" (minivan actually) The Devil's ride?

It's an awesome drag racer, but it's just too expensive and ugly.

It's very cool; I just wish it didn't look like mom jeans.
It's fantastic! I just wish I didn't get sunburn from sitting under the giant windshield that does nothing to shade you.

It's just not my thing.

Would you put the comfortable, practical street-sleeper VW GTI in Heaven or Hell?

Hell! It's not flashy enough!

Heaven. It's comfy and sporty, but I wish it were more of a head-turner.
Probably, but just Hell. I need something bigger.

Definitely Heaven. It's the perfect small car.

Would you put the Jaguar F-Pace, AKA the betrayal of everything the Jaguar brand used to stand for, in Heaven or Hell?

Hell. A big, lumbering SUV.

Heaven. It may be an SUV, but it feels like a car.
Heaven! It's big enough, although its heft means the pillars make some huge blind spots.

Hell! It's too big, too expensive, too old fashioned, and not "Jag" enough!

Does the plug-in Chevy Bolt earn a parking spot with the Archangels?

Yeah, actually. It's pretty spacious, and you can get used ones for cheap!

Yeah! It's so much cheaper than a Tesla, and has nearly all the range, and more than half the amenities!
No. Look, it's just too small for me.

Heaven! It's a good electric car built by GM! GM! That means you can actually get it serviced anywhere!

Do all Ford Mustang GTs go to Heaven (after they inevitably crash after a cars and coffee)?

No. Old man's car.

Yes! A classic, and more powerful every year.
To Hell with the Mustang! Its day is passed.

I think the 'stang still has its place... but in the 21st century, shouldn't it be electric?

Would you drop the practical but uncomfortable budget hatchback Ford Fiesta into Hades or have it airlifted to God?

Straight to The Lord! I love that little pocket rocket!

Begone demon! To Hell with your plastic interior and tiny engine!
To Hell! I can't fit myself in it, let alone my family.

To Heaven! It's small, practical, and good looking!

Would you place the humdrum, front wheel drive, but totally practical Chevy Impala with the angels or with Satan?

Hellacious! Do I look 40?

Send that taxi to Hell!
The angels. It has plenty of room and looks decent.

Heaven. You can get it with 300 horsepower, it looks cool, and it's cheap as Hell!

Will the Volvo S60 see the face of God?

No. It's a Volvo! A VOLVO!

The Polestar variant might.
Sure! Safe and room for four!

Probably. Looks sleek. Comfy too.

Would you send the hopped up hatchback Mercedes GLA to Heaven or consign it to The Abyss?

Probably Heaven. It's fast and looks cool, but it's a little out of my price range.

Definitely Hell. What am I, an intern?
Probably Hell. It's a lot of money to spend on a tiny, uncomfortable "Mercedes-Benz."

Definitely Heaven. It's not that comfortable, but it's capable, quiet, and can fit things inside.

Would you put the rally-worthy but spartan Mitsubishi Evo X in Heaven or Hell?

Heaven! I want a used one!

Hell! It's designed to shatter the bones of the driver, just driving to work!
Probably Hell. It's useful and fun, but cheap looking, uncomfortable, and lacks the storage I need.

Definitely Hell. It's very cool, if you're in 2008.

Would you send the powerful, practical, but somehow uncomfortable VW Golf-R to the angels or the devils?

To Hell! It costs more than some BMWs!

To Heaven! I only wish it were flashier.
To Hell! The suspension is really hard!

To Heaven. It's comfortable enough, is a hatchback, and has near as makes no difference 300 horsepower. A dream.

Would you put the historic 1984 Pontiac Trans Am in Heaven or Hell? What would KITT have to say?

Hell. Who is KITT?

Definitely Heaven! I'll take it to a shop and have the LED strip put on the bumper!
Probably Heaven. It's technically a hatchback, and I can pretend I'm Michael Knight! Cheap too.

Probably Hell. It looks dated, is unsafe, and it only has 190 horsepower! You can get a Camry with 301 horsepower!

Does the BMW 7 Series cart the saints around, or is it literally The Devil?

It's The Devil. Only chauffeurs drive them.

The saints! The bolstering is so comfy, and the engine is lovely.
The saints. It's safe, roomy, and pleasant.

Hell! You could buy a house in Detroit for that much cash!

Would you put the mid-sized Mercedes C-Class in Heaven or Hell?

Hell. Too expensive.

Probably Hell. It's not opulent enough.
Definitely Heaven. It's comfy and potent.

Probably Heaven. It's nice and has four doors.

Would you send the painfully sporty Mercedes SLR to Heaven or Hell?

Probably Heaven. It's cool but too expensive.

Definitely Heaven. It's so cool, so comfortable, so sporty.
Definitely Hell. Where am I going in a two-seat multi-million dollar sports car?

Probably Hell. I just think it's ugly.

Will The Devil dent the fender of an XC90?

Yeah! Big lumbering family wagons go to Hell!

Not the bulletproof, ultra-luxury version!
No way! It's gorgeous, capacious, and has the most comfortable seats in the world!

I don't think anything bad could happen to an XC90. Literally, no one has ever died in an accident inside of one.

Would you send the Porsche 911 Turbo to its natural environment of a garage from which it will never leave, in Heaven, or to someone who will have to daily-drive it forever in Hell?

Porsche stopped making real sports cars more than 20 years ago. Hell!

I'd daily drive it anywhere! Heaven!
What could be less practical than a Porsche? Hell!

The reason they named it the 911 is so you know who to call when you crash. Still, they look fun... Heaven.

Would you put the relatively dull teenage tuning favorite Honda Civic in Heaven or Hell?

Heaven! Tune it like an Angel's harp!

Hell! It's crap, built for poor people!
Hell! It's not a nice place to be.

Heaven! The current generation isn't made of sandpaper and railroad spikes!

Would you elevate the poorly received, plug-in hybrid Cadillac ELR to Heaven or send it tumbling into Hell?

Definitely Hell! It's weak, electric stupidity!

Heaven. It looks amazing, and I'm sure a tuning shop could improve its power.
Hell! Two doors? Seriously?

Heaven. It's like a fancy Chevy Volt.

6 Minute Quiz 6 Min

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