What Would Be Your Trucker Handle?

By: Mark Philip Lichtenstein

6 Min Quiz

Image: Shutterstock

About This Quiz

When you're on the road for days at a time in the business of long haul trucking, your social life will consist of talking to other folks on the road on your CB. Every trucker has a handle on the CB radio, and they help each other out by pointing out Smokey or catching up about how things went at the Chicken Coop. What would your trucker handle be? Take this quiz to find out!

What kind of rig do you run?

A Tesla prototype. It is the future.

A Scania. Badass.
A Volvo. Safety first!

A Mack. I'm a big fan of tradition.

How do you personalize your rig?

I decorated the interior like one of those Indian trucks I saw on TV!

I have pictures of my grand kids.
One of those creative decorations hanging from the trailer hitch.

Decorations are irrelevant.

What creature comforts do you have in your rig?

My iPad. I watch movies before bed, and get directions on the road.

Some good old fashioned spinning tops.
I keep a pair of brass knuckles in the glove box.

Creatures need comforts. I do not.

Do you have custom paint on your rig?

I had a racing stripe put on it.

I have one of those nymph decals from 20 years ago.
Flames and skulls, baby!

My rig is covered in solar panels. There is no room for paint.

When you are on the road, surrounded by lots of little cars and SUVs, how do you feel?

A little nervous. They can stop a lot faster than me.

None of these people can drive.
I am a god.

Feelings are for humans.

What do you wear on the job?

Bluejeans, sneakers, and a T-shirt. Comfort is number one.

Whatever else, my jeans jacket is a requirement.
Motorcycle boots, leather jacket, shades, and nothing else.

Clothes are not necessary.

What is your favorite route?

The Pacific Coast Highway. What a gorgeous view.

I-95. I can go visit the kids up north, then go back down to my place in Florida.
I-10 in Arizona. I like excitement.

I have no favorite route.

What is the most essential piece of equipment you own?

My radio! I have to stay in touch.

My jack. I've been caught without one before.
My tire thumper. It's handy for checking tires and for self-defense.

The engine management software.

What do you listen to while you drive?

Taylor Swift. She sings like an angel.

Elvis Presley. The King. There is no other music.
Rush! Dittohead FTW!

I listen for sounds indicating unexpected structural distress from my chassis or from the surrounding vehicles, should they lose control.

When you visit a truck stop, what is the first thing you do?

I buy a bag of candy.

I have a slice of pie and a cup of coffee.
I down a beer, or three.

Plug in.

What do you think Evel Knievel is?

Isn't he a who? And isn't he dead?

That'd be a lawman on a motorcycle.
Highway patrol on two wheels.

It does not matter who that is.

What do you think a bear is?

I'll keep an eye out for them when I park my rig.

A generic term for a policeman.
I was recently told I'm a bear. We got into an argument after.

A bear is a large mammal with claws.

What do you think a city kitty is?

Awww! I love cats!

The sort of person who will do you for getting boxed in.
Po-po from the city. What a pain.

A cat that lives in a city.

What do you think a taco stand is?

I don't know, but it's making me hungry!

Border checkpoint.
I don't know but it's making me hungry!

It is a place where tacos are purchased.

What do you think a gumball machine is?

I think I remember those from my childhood.

That'd be a cop car.
One more thing to worry about on the road.

It is a mechanical gumball.

What is a Kojak with a Kodak?

Who is Kojak? And what is a Kodak?

Highway patrol with a speed gun.
The bane of my existence.

This syntax does not compute.

What is a salt shaker?

What I use any time I go to McDonald's!

A salt spreading truck.
I think that's a girl I dated. We met at a club near the airport.

A receptacle for salt.

What is a super chicken?

Marvel's latest franchise!

A big yellow truck.
A bucket of KFC in my passenger's seat.

A large chicken, if I had to guess.

Where is Pizza & Murder?

I don't know, but as much as I like pizza, I don't want to go there!

Chicago. I go there all the time.
Anywhere I spend Saturday night.

Statistically, Chicago.

What is a blinkin' winkin'?

Wasn't that a Teletubby?

That'd be a school bus.
I did one once, when I went really fast and turned suddenly.

Those are not words.

Do you know what side of your vehicle the fuel cap is on?

Uhhh...

Of course I do.
Are you saying I'm an idiot? Do you want to fight me?

There is no fuel cap.

What happens if you put something other than diesel into your rig?

Oh, God! The end of the world!

It depends on the dilution ratio.
I have to stop drinking.

Everything will be fine.

What should you do in the event of a skid?

Panic?

Turn into the skid.
POWER!

Traction control will prevent a skid.

How many units of alcohol do you feel comfortable drinking before driving?

Zero! I can't drink! I'm a professional driver.

One. I'm not crazy, but a man's gotta live.
What's a unit of alcohol? Are we talking ten beers per unit?

I do not consume alcohol.

Can you do a hill start?

Just barely.

Naturally.
Better than anyone!

Yes.

Have you ever killed a man?

What? No!

Once, in the war. I'll never forget seeing the look in his eyes. It will haunt me forever.
A man? No. Men? Sure.

No.

What is your favorite movie?

"Fast Five"

"Smokey And The Bandit"
"Duel"

"Maximum Overdrive"

How do communicate with family while you're on the road?

Facebook is a life saver.

Picture postcards.
I ain't got no family no more.

This question is irrelevant.

What is a cornbinder?

A combine harvester that does corn?

A Navistar International truck.
Are you calling me a cornbinder? You're a cornbinder, cornbinder.

This word is meaningless.

How would you feel if you were involved in a fatal accident?

I'd probably quit.

I'd have to start going to church again.
You mean like yesterday?

Feelings do not come into it. I would have to go back to the drawing board and have a complete reassessment of my core programming.

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